Briane
by Miss Fenway
Summary: First in my series, "Love Thyself".  For Rachel. NO SLASH!


**This is dedicated to Rachel, know on this site as "2 kool to spell 'kool' right". A couple of weeks ago, she took her own life. This breaks my heart because she was an extraordinary person, a talented writer, and a loyal friend. I didn't know her nearly as well as I would have liked, but I did talk to her a few times. I knew she was struggling and it hurts to know that she was hurting so much. She'll never be forgotten though, not if we keep her in our hearts. **

**This is also dedicated to Briane, for whom this song was written by my favorite band, Boyce Avenue. And to everyone else at there who feels so lost and hopeless and unloved. Please talk to someone. You can send me a PM or you can email me, it's on my profile page. I may not know you but I love you and you all deserve to be happy, please believe that. I don't want to lost you too. You're all in my prayers every day.**

**I don't own anything.**

If there had been a way for her to leave without hurting anyone, then she would have done it that way. The very last thing she wanted to was hurt the ones who had loved her enough to keep her from leaving sooner. She tried to stay just for them, but as time passes, it got harder and harder until she could no longer stand all of the pain. So she left.

_You're ashamed about _

_all your fears and doubts_

_and how I hurt you._

_Can you make it back_

_from the aftermath_

_and how I left you?_

She never liked to think of herself as a selfish girl. She had kept so much pain in her life all to herself because she didn't want to burden anyone with it. Yet, as she watched them from above, she couldn't help but think that it was more selfish to leave them so empty rather than fill them with her problems. Maybe it would have caused them less pain to share her burdens. But none of them would never find out now. It was too late.

She wished that she could talk to them and that they could listen. She wished she could tell them so many things. That it wasn't their fault. That she did if for different reasons that would remain a mystery to them forever. That she loved them. That she was sorry. That she was okay now.

That hardest part was that while her pain had finally come to an end, their pain had only begun. She knew that they were all sitting in silence, with an endless amount of unanswerable questions running through their stunned minds. For a long time, they would be wondering what they had said or done to drive her to do such a thing. What they should have said or done to save her and make her stay.

_Nobody wants to be alone,_

_with the fear of letting go._

_If you could hear me say,_

"_it's gonna be okay,"_

_would you be okay?_

She had left for so many reasons, but only one of them involved her friends. And that single solitary reason had been twisted by all of the other reasons. Her mother abandoning her and her father when she was six. Her father's abuse that started after her mother left. The bullying she endured constantly in school. The enormous, suffocating pressure that drowned her in Hollywood. The hate she had been forced to endure with from her very own co-stars. Slowly, the hate and the web of lies began to outweigh the love and the truth. In the end, the reason that involved her friends, was because she simply felt like she didn't deserve them.

There were too many people telling her what was wrong with her. Their voices drowned out the voices of her friends and eventually she could only look at her loved ones and wonder what they saw in her that they found so special and loveable. She wasn't worth their love. But she was wrong. She had been worthy of their love and worthy of so much more love than she had been given. No one could tell her that now. It was too late.

_And though I've gone away,_

_I still see what you're going through._

_It kills me everyday_

_to know I killed what meant most to you._

_So when you pass my grave,_

_leave a rose for what might have been._

_But know that it's okay_

_to shed your fears and find love again._

She watched as the five people she had loved more than anyone else in the world, made their way slowly down the path that led to the old cemetery. The boys were all there, supporting her best friend. Even he was there, trying to be strong. Trying to be the hero he had been for her for the year and a half they had known each other. He was trying not to break, but she could tell it was only a matter of time.

It happened when they reached the headstone that marked her final resting place. She watched as Kendall dropped to his knees in front of it and traced the inscribed words with his shaking finger. Her name. Jo Taylor. Then a sob rose up deep within him and he was bent over, crying hard.

"Why?' he asked, pleading for an answer while they could only hold them and shed their own tears. "Why would she do it? I thought she was so happy. Did I miss something?"

"I think we all did," Logan said softly, one arm around a grieving Camille's shoulder while the other hand held tightly to Kendall as if he was afraid everyone would leave him. "We all missed something, Kendall. If we had known that she was hurting, then she might still be here with us."

"But she never told us," Camille whispered. "She never told anyone. I mean, I know that her mom left when she was little and that it caused problems with her and her dad. But she had us and her career. She had so much promise."

So Camille at least had a small idea that one of the reasons had to do with her father. That really wasn't all that surprising. She had been such a kind, sweet, and loyal friend. A much better listener than anyone would think. But she could only listen if someone was talking. If someone was telling her all of the things that were wrong. And Jo hadn't done that. So Camille didn't know just how bad things had been.

_For better or worse you're the one_

_I never thought I'd hurt._

_But looking back on these dreams_

_nothing is what it seems;_

_. . .know that you'll wake up to better things._

And none of them knew the bullying she had dealt with at school and in her acting career. That meant that she had been a much better actress than even she had known. She had fooled them all, even those who had known her best. Because she had been absolutely miserable. She had hoped that things would get better, that they would leave her only or maybe even accept her one day. There was nothing wrong with her and soon they would seen that.

But the lies. The lies that she was told constantly. They grew harder and harder to ignore and forget. The lie that she wasn't pretty enough. The lie that she wasn't talented enough. The lie that she wasn't worth anything. All of them lies. When they were told to her day in and day out, they began to transform. And she began to believe them. And they became too much too handle.

"I still can't believe she's gone." Carlos said, looking years older than before she left them. The smile was gone from his face and in its place was a expression devoid of happiness, full of pain, regret, and questions. "I wish-" he broke off and fell silent, letting them all fill in the blanks for themselves.

James put a comforting arm around his younger friend's shoulders and pulled him close. She had always admired how they looked out for each other, especially how Kendall and James looked out for Logan and Carlos. They were older and taller, and just their very presence had always been a visible source of comfort to the smaller boys. But now, she couldn't see that magical comfort because James was hurting just as much as Carlos.

"Should we read it now?" Camille asked, her voice slightly muffled from being buried into Kendall's chest as he held her tightly.

Logan had been rubbing her back and stopped to look around, his own face a mask of pain. "Are we ready?" he managed to choke out.

"I'll never be ready," Kendall muttered. But he slowly let go of Camille and drew a folded piece of paper from out of his pocket. Both of his hands were shaking so badly that he dropped the paper twice before he managed to unfold it. It was the letter she had written and put in an envelope with specific instructions to open it a year after her death. When perhaps, they could all think with clearer minds and hearts.

_And though I've gone away_

_I still see that you're going through._

_It kills me everyday,_

_to know I killed what meant most to you._

_So when you pass my grave,_

_leave a rose for what might have been._

_But know that it's okay_

_to shed your fears and find love again._

She watched as Camille moved instantly into Logan's arms and smiled, glad to see that the two appeared to have stayed together. They were such a good couple. She looked with regret at Kendall, knowing that he was thinking of all they could have been if she was still there. He cleared his throat and began to read.

"Dear Camille, Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and James.

I'm sorry. It's been a year and I know that you're probably still hurting. I'm sorry that I was the cause of your pain. I'm also sorry that I made you wait this long for my apology but I wanted to give you enough time to heal before I poured salt on your open wounds. Hopefully, your wounds have all healed by now, at least a little bit, and that this letter isn't about to reopen them.

I just want you to know a few things. One, none of you are to blame. Just the opposite actually. Thank you. I could never thank you enough for all that you gave me. Your friendship, your love, it filled me with a joy that I never thought I would feel. You kept me alive for as long as you could. I can't tell you why I did it exactly, but please believe me when I say that it wasn't because of any of you. I just didn't deserve you.

Second of all, I want you all to continue on. Please don't let my life and death hold you back. Don't let me define you. You're all extraordinary people, with big and beautiful hearts. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I hope that by now, you were able to have moved on a least a little bit. Please keep moving on for me and for yourselves.

Thirdly, I want you to know that I am at peace now. My pain is over and even though it hurts to know that you're probably still suffering right now, I'm better than I have been in years. No one can hurt me anymore. I'm safe. I hope that you believe these words because they're as true as anything I've ever spoken, or in this case, written. So please, take that inexplicable love that you held onto for me, and take the knowledge that this letter holds, and put it together, and know that I'm happy.

Last of all, I hope you know that death cannot separate those as close as we once were. You may not be able to see me or really talk to me anymore, but that didn't mean I left you completely. The bond that we had was too powerful for that. You all hopefully already know that. I'll always be with you. I'm here with you right now even though it doesn't feel like that. I love you all and I always will. Thank you for everything.

Love, Jo."

She was proud of Kendall for finishing the letter in one attempt. His voice had trembled and tears had fallen, but he had stayed strong once again. He had always been that way and she was glad to see that that part of him hadn't been changed forever. He was more broken than he had been of course, but he was still the Kendall she had fallen in love with.

"She was wrong," Camille said quietly, wiping at her own tears. "She said that she didn't deserve our love. She did. She deserved more love."

"She did deserve more love," Kendall agreed softly. "I know she said it wasn't her fault but. . . we should have seen that she was hurting so much. We were so. . . blind. We could have saved her. I could have saved her. We should have saved her."

"Kendall-" James said gently, trying to ease some of his best friend's pain.

"No, James." Kendall interrupted, but with no anger in his voice. "Jo was beautiful and sweet and talented and she deserved all the love and the happiness in the world. She deserved so much and we didn't give her enough. I know that we didn't know everything that as going on with her, but still. We loved her enough that we should have seen it. It's. . . it's too late now."

_I hear you say,_

"_I don't know how and I don't know why"_

_but there will come one day_

_when I will tell you all the things inside._

_Just know there's someone above you to help you._

"In one way, it is too late." Carlos spoke quietly, as if he was afraid to make his opinion known. "It might be too late for Jo. But she says that she's happy and safe now and that she wants the same for us now." He took a deep breath and rushed on while everyone waited. "It's not too late for. . . other people."

"Other people?" Kendall repeated.

Carlos nodded. "Other people. I mean. . . we don't know those other people. Not yet. But Jo wasn't the only one who was hurting a lot. We didn't save her, but we can save other people. We just. . . we just have to get to know them."

_And though I've gone away_

_I still see what you're going through._

_It kills me every day,_

_to know I killed what meant most to you._

_So when you pass my grave,_

_leave a rose for what might have been._

_But know that it's okay_

_to shed your fears and find love again._

"Carlos is right," Logan said with the pride that all of them felt then. "I think what Jo meant by moving on was. . . not forgetting her. . . but using her memory as a reminder. That there are so many hurting people around. And that we should help them. And love them. I think that if we do that. . . it won't make any of this make sense and it won't take our pain away. But we'll be taking that pain and we'll be using it for the best. For us and everyone around us. And for Jo too. I think it would make her even happier to know that we were reaching out to others in her memory."

An expression that could almost be called peace had passed over their faces. Carlos and Logan were exactly right. It was what Jo would have wanted. They couldn't turn back the hands of time and save her. But they wouldn't let her life, her death, and her memory go to waste. They would live on for her and for the many others that had felt so lost and hopeless and unloved.

The five of them made a promise then to not let anyone slip from their grasp without letting them know how much they were loved. They weren't going to let anyone else go without a fight. Maybe through their loving efforts, they might save someone. And then that someone would save someone else. And that a cycle would be created. A cycle of life saving instead of life ending. One person couldn't change the world. But together they might be able to make a difference.

**A/N. It didn't have to be this way for Rachel. It shouldn't have been this way for her. It shouldn't be this way for anyone. Please talk to someone if you're feeling lonely, depressed, and/or suicidal. Don't feel ashamed of your feelings but know that you don't deserve to have any of those feelings. You are an incredible person and you deserve to feel happy and loved. Please talk to me if you need to. Don't hesitate. And on another note, if you are feeling happy and loved, please pass those feelings along to those around you. Let them know that you care. Thank you for reading this.**


End file.
